When I would hold my "Compassionate Communication for Couples" class I always told couples that the most important part of communication is listening.
Let's just look at the word "communicate". It means 'to commune'. Or to share. In others words, Give and Take Equally <------ to share. How can we truly understand what someone is saying if we are doing something else, like watching television, playing video games, reading a text,.... Or, if we are having a disagreement with someone, preparing our next defensive response rather than listening to them. Putting in the effort to look past the emotions to what the other person is trying to say is the more compassionate response. Emotions easily get in our way and we tend to react to those emotions rather than what the person is actually saying. Often this means not responding until some thought has gone into sorting out what we heard. Sorting out how our emotions may have twisted the message which may trigger a habitual response. Or we can try looking deeply into how the other person feels. Do they seem hurt? Angry? Afraid? Could we be interjecting defensive behavior because of an assumption on our part? Even if we conclude after all this searching that the other person is over reacting and not "being fair", is there still a way to respond with a caring heart? There are times when we must put up boundaries to let someone know that there is a line that you will not allow to be crossed for your emotional safety. Clearly stating that verbal abuse will not be tolerated and that you will not participate further in conversation if this line is crossed is a healthy approach to communication. We can then choose to walk away after saying something like "I will be happy to work this out with you when you can be open and calm", or if you yourself are angry, "when I am open and calm". Something else that we want to practice is not bringing up the past, unless this is something that is being worked on as a couple and may take time to process through. But throwing past mistakes in the face of someone will not help them trust to open up to you and could be a way of avoiding a talk about the present. In a world filled with billions of people it would be unrealistic to think we could all communicate without argument or disagreement, but by practicing lovingkindness in our responses we can help others learn by example. Being mindful of what we say, how we are listening and how we respond are the tools to compassionate and successful communication. Not always easy to do I know, but practice improves each attempt. *Joanie Lane is a Meditation Teacher, Reiki Master/Teacher, Spiritual & Life Coach, and Healing Movement Qigong Leader. She lives in Kelseyville, Ca. at her meditation center "A Positive Light". For more information visit her website at apositivelight.com **These are original writings by Joanie. Any quotes by others that have been included have been identified.
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